Marriage again!

Another marriage entry...

Venting is past by what I need to do. All I need to do is find a good divorce attorney. My marriage is smothering me! I have such strong negative feelings about my marital status. The man I married years ago is not the man that I am currently married to. He is not my friend, lover, confidant or ANYTHING. He is a pebble in my shoe. Just typing these words makes me cry because I am so miserable. I don't want to talk to any of my "girl friends" because I don't want to bash my husband-Ben. I haven't talked to my best friend in weeks because I feel like I am betraying my husband by letting someone know how awful being married to him is making me feel. I can't talk to anyone about ANY topic because my world is just so focused on this BLACK HOLE.

I don't remember the last time I laughed with Ben. He used to be the one that could make me laugh no matter what. These days the only emotion he swells inside me is a mixture of anger,frustration, disgust and confusion. Each of those has a negative connotation! Any conversation with the man ends with him yelling at me. When I point out that he doesn't need to yell at me, he gets louder demanding that he isn't yelling. He then yells that if he can shout his point loud enough maybe I will understand him. OK, the only thing I get from his daily educational yelling bouts is that I am sorry I married him. His anger used to be focused one one or two items. Now everything in our relationship solicits his explosive personality. I hate the volume he uses to converse with me, but more than that I hate his sarcasm. I can't ask any questions, answer any questions or make any comment without his sarcasm cutting into me. My silence is my only relief. Maybe that is why he feels the need to yell louder and louder???

His behavior has caused me to question his fidelity. Ben has been unfaithful before. We had been married 8 months when I found him "sex-ting" another woman. When I confronted him he was unable to tell me who she was, the last time he saw her or even spoke to her. He didn't remember meeting her, he didn't know her name or where she lived. WOW, he just dropped his number and some woman picked it up and began a relationship with him? The funny part of that was that he just began a new work schedule that month and his "sex-ting" partner knew all about it. The new work schedule allowed him extra time on Friday's. That was when they were going to get together to satisfy her needs. The only thing that hurt me worse than reading the texts they shared was the fact that the man that pledged his life to me less than a year prior was looking me dead in the eye LYING to protect this other woman. Even after making him leave the house, he protected her. Even now he refuses to admit that he knows anything about this woman. What does that say about the man I married? He will put it all out there for a woman that isn't married to him and/or he is willing to have an affair with a stranger and bring her diseases back to our bed. Ben is die hard when it comes to his friends. He would rather die than have say anything bad about a "friend". His nature gives him away in this situation. He knows this woman and knows her well. All I am is his wife. I don't warrant his undying devotion. I went to a divorce attorney when he cheated. The only reason I didn't divorce him was financial. I refused to give up the house Daddy left me in order to buy him out of a marriage he DESTROYED. Everything we have is because of me. His contribution to our living situation is tiny. Currently he is cheating on me. He has large unexplained absences. Every time he leaves the house his trip is hours longer than it should be. When I call him on his cell phone, there is no answer. He always has elaborate reasons for being gone for hours and not answering his phone. His story becomes more and more involved as I ask questions. He turns into a teenager when I ask him where he has gone... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? Has too many answers for the simple question I ask. His cell phone usage is over 10X mine. He texts 20X more than I do and none of them are ever to me. I have been tracking his cell phone usage and texting for months. I don't even bother questioning his disappearances anymore. His lies are just too much to hear. He suggests that we drive separately to the same places. I realize he can't talk with other women while I am in the car with him, DUHHH! We don't need to drive 2 cars to his father's house or to the grocery store. I AM NOT STUPID! I guess he thinks I am because I have just given up on him and our marriage. I am not dumb, I just don't want to be his sounding board for lies. My only dilemma is catching him in the act and getting it recorded. The visit to the attorney won't end the same way next time.

I am pregnant. This pregnancy has been very hard. I am so sick. It is like my whole body is rejecting me. Handling my husband is impossible right now. I can't take his snide remarks and non-supportive attitude. The only good thing to come from my marriage is my daughter. I would have never known how wonderful life could be if I didn't have her. She is amazing. She keeps me going everyday. Having another baby is mostly for her to have a sibling. Having another baby gives me someone else to fall in love with. I pray I can just make it through this pregnancy with my sanity. Ben has made everyday difficult and miserable. Hanging my head over the toilet is better that dealing with the idiot I am married to. He doesn't help me when I am throwing up. He can't even bring me a cold wash cloth. He doesn't offer any encouragement. (My wonderful little girl does come to the bathroom door and ask if I am okay each time I am sick.) He was angry because I was hospitalized on the day he had tickets to a Disney show for our daughter. As horrible as I felt hooked up to 4 IV meds to stop the constant vomiting, I felt worse after Ben complained that he would have to go to the Disney show alone with our daughter. The guilt just choked me. I cried as I stayed in the hospital alone because I was a horrible mother for being sick. Again the lack of comfort he has to offer makes my heart grow cold to him. Last night he commented that being sick was my hobby. That helped me feel more guilty so I peeled my body off the couch to heat up chicken nuggets for my daughter. I took care of her dinner because it of his anger. (I have started having contractions at 20 weeks of pregnancy, so I need to stay off my feet as much as possible. This information doesn't phase the father of the child. He is just angry that he has to do more household chores. BUT HE DOESN'T DO MORE because he makes me feel so low that I just get up and do them despite the pre-mature contractions.) Ben declares to everyone that the only reason I am sick is due to dehydration. He tells me this multiple times a day and constantly rides me on drinking. That is the only thing that he focuses on.

There is nothing left for me in my marriage. Please Lord help me find my way. Help me cope with this man that lives in my house and makes me feel horrible about myself. Please give me the strength to remain calm despite his disposition.