Christmas and Daddy

I haven't posted anything here in so long that I almost forgot my login.

Chistmas has come and gone again this year. I love Christmas for so many reasons. The best reason of all is that we are saved because a baby boy was born on this day so many years ago. Do you know I am so excited to be a Christian? I don't do as I should and proclaim that enough, but WOW I am doing it now! I love the Lord and I am happy to eat cake and ham and potatoes and butter beans on Jesus's birthday.

Christmas was always so much fun with Daddy! He always made us listen to the Elvis Christmas album while decorating the tree.  I still love that music.  He wanted his tree to have colored lights.  The more lights, the more better...  One year he bought lights that had different settings.  He curled one set around the tree and set them to "CHASE".  The plastic green tree looked like a race track for colored lights.  Adding to that chaos he had another strand set to "CAROL".  This made the lights blink to different Christmas carols.  The funny part was that it didn't play music, but you knew the song b/c the tree would blink in time to some familiar song...JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS...  I can still picture that tree with lights going crazy and Daddy loving every minute. 

My last Christmas with Daddy was no different.  He was so excited.  He went to K-Mart and bought a tree while I was at the office.  He was almost giddy when I got home from work!  When I came in that December afternoon, he had it!  It was a pre-lit tree- THAT ROTATED.  I thought it was silly, but he loved that thing.  6 Christmas seasons  have passed since he brought that huge box home, and I still have the rotating tree. 

It is so difficult to decorate and be merry without him here.  If it weren't for my babies, I wouldn't do it at all.  It physically hurts to look at a Christmas tree.  Will this ever change?

Staring/Daydreaming

Anyone else ever find themselves staring off into space?  How long have I been sitting here?  What am I thinking of?  Has anyone seen me looking lost and just walked away?

When I find myself lost in thought and then come back to reality, I usually have Daddy on my mind.  I wonder what memory I was lost in... Was it a good memory?  I am sure it was!

How much time is too much time to spend daydreaming?  I think daydreaming is the perfect outlet.  You are in the here and now, but yet you are in another reality.  If you like your alternate reality enough, you can make it happen FOR REAL.  Do you think that is how some of the best innovations came to be?  I sure hope so, because I have some great dreams.  I'm going to write a book, invent a new bathing suit, open a restaurant, become a carpenter, have a chauffeur... I get lost just typing this! 

I think about what it would be like if Daddy was still alive.  I think about this ALL THE TIME!  I would love to see him with my babies.  Oh how they would love him!  I can't even imagine how much he would love them.  Daddy used to tell me that he wished his Daddy had been alive to meet me.  He knew that his Daddy would have loved me.  He always had a distant look and a smile when he said it. It seems so strange that I say the same thing to my kids now!  Mary Grace refers to him as Daddy Glenn.  I used to tear up when ever I heard her say that, but now it is rather comforting.  Mary Grace wants to go to heaven and see him.  My heart just longs to be there when that happens (but not for another 100 years or so).  Sailor is going to love him too! They would have been quite a pair on their birthday.  She is extra special because she was born on his birthday, which happens to be his grandmother's birthday too.  That is just a good day for our family.  Maybe I will make 2 cakes this October!  One for her and one for Daddy.

I have to stop thinking about this.  I am all choked up, MAN!

ANYWAY, if you are reading this... don't be afraid to daydream.  You will be in good company.

hate the husband

Nothing I try can make me kick this feeling that comes over me when I look at my husband. He is just so darn lazy. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it never gets better. I pray that after I get rid of these pregnancy hormones, I won't hate him like I do now. The only thing that this moron cares about is football. College football, pro football, the football fantasy league... His priorities are so mis-directed!!!! I am having a baby in 3 days and he is so angry that I took off the day prior to delivering this baby that he won't speak to me. He refused to do anything he normally does before bed because I wasn't working in the morning. I am married to another child. This has been evident since our honeymoon, but it gets worse, not better. If I had help in this marriage, I wouldn't have had to take a day off to clean my house. I have been more sick in these past nine months than I I have been in my whole life. I cook everyday, clean up the house everyday, I have to collect all the trash anytime it gets full. In between the throwing up and work, I don't rest. I don't have time to rest because I am married to this moron! I hate the things that he wants to do. I was so tired on Friday that I dropped to the couch when I walked in the door. Ben called me to get me to call my Mama. He wanted to know if they could keep MG overnight. Instead of calling her and asking, I had to. He wasted an entire call and conversation because he is too darn lazy to make any effort- even for his child. I simply asked him why he wasn't able to call and he said that hew refused. FINE. I thanked him for his lack for effort and made the call. MG spent the night with her grandparents. I do everytime because nothing gets done unless I do it. He pays no attention to anything but what he wants. I sat at a turkey shoot Friday night b/c he is too ignorant to listen to me say I hate going. He wouldnt bring me home before going there- he actually took me out to eat so I didn't have to cook. I refuse to show myself in public, so I sat and said nothing. I hate him!!!!!!!!!! Saturday we went shopping for crap he didn't need. He lied about what he bought in the store and actually drove back to Summerville after we got home and he watched his football game in order to buy the wrong item again! He bought some gun part wrong twice and lied to me both times about what he bought!!!! He had the nerve to tell me that he would be driving back to Summerville a third time prior to going to the turkey shoot-for the second night in a row-to get another part for his gun. I didn't say one word. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!!!! He didn't get home until after 11pm.
I am 9 months pregnant. I am not supposed to be doing any lifting or major moving. MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER!!!!! He does nothing but sit and watch TV and look at things on the internet that I have no clue about. He is on the computer anytime I am out of the room and after I am in bed. I don't even care anymore. He is a horrible mate and I made a big mistake marrying him. He is lazy and past by irresponsible.
I am very unhappy in my marriage and simply wish that I had never gotten married to anyone. Ben makes my life difficult and I am so depressed. I wish that he would trade places with me for a little while to understand how hard he makes things on me. I pray that one day I will have the courage to leave him. Maybe then I can find my smile again!

Marriage again!

Another marriage entry...

Venting is past by what I need to do. All I need to do is find a good divorce attorney. My marriage is smothering me! I have such strong negative feelings about my marital status. The man I married years ago is not the man that I am currently married to. He is not my friend, lover, confidant or ANYTHING. He is a pebble in my shoe. Just typing these words makes me cry because I am so miserable. I don't want to talk to any of my "girl friends" because I don't want to bash my husband-Ben. I haven't talked to my best friend in weeks because I feel like I am betraying my husband by letting someone know how awful being married to him is making me feel. I can't talk to anyone about ANY topic because my world is just so focused on this BLACK HOLE.

I don't remember the last time I laughed with Ben. He used to be the one that could make me laugh no matter what. These days the only emotion he swells inside me is a mixture of anger,frustration, disgust and confusion. Each of those has a negative connotation! Any conversation with the man ends with him yelling at me. When I point out that he doesn't need to yell at me, he gets louder demanding that he isn't yelling. He then yells that if he can shout his point loud enough maybe I will understand him. OK, the only thing I get from his daily educational yelling bouts is that I am sorry I married him. His anger used to be focused one one or two items. Now everything in our relationship solicits his explosive personality. I hate the volume he uses to converse with me, but more than that I hate his sarcasm. I can't ask any questions, answer any questions or make any comment without his sarcasm cutting into me. My silence is my only relief. Maybe that is why he feels the need to yell louder and louder???

His behavior has caused me to question his fidelity. Ben has been unfaithful before. We had been married 8 months when I found him "sex-ting" another woman. When I confronted him he was unable to tell me who she was, the last time he saw her or even spoke to her. He didn't remember meeting her, he didn't know her name or where she lived. WOW, he just dropped his number and some woman picked it up and began a relationship with him? The funny part of that was that he just began a new work schedule that month and his "sex-ting" partner knew all about it. The new work schedule allowed him extra time on Friday's. That was when they were going to get together to satisfy her needs. The only thing that hurt me worse than reading the texts they shared was the fact that the man that pledged his life to me less than a year prior was looking me dead in the eye LYING to protect this other woman. Even after making him leave the house, he protected her. Even now he refuses to admit that he knows anything about this woman. What does that say about the man I married? He will put it all out there for a woman that isn't married to him and/or he is willing to have an affair with a stranger and bring her diseases back to our bed. Ben is die hard when it comes to his friends. He would rather die than have say anything bad about a "friend". His nature gives him away in this situation. He knows this woman and knows her well. All I am is his wife. I don't warrant his undying devotion. I went to a divorce attorney when he cheated. The only reason I didn't divorce him was financial. I refused to give up the house Daddy left me in order to buy him out of a marriage he DESTROYED. Everything we have is because of me. His contribution to our living situation is tiny. Currently he is cheating on me. He has large unexplained absences. Every time he leaves the house his trip is hours longer than it should be. When I call him on his cell phone, there is no answer. He always has elaborate reasons for being gone for hours and not answering his phone. His story becomes more and more involved as I ask questions. He turns into a teenager when I ask him where he has gone... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? Has too many answers for the simple question I ask. His cell phone usage is over 10X mine. He texts 20X more than I do and none of them are ever to me. I have been tracking his cell phone usage and texting for months. I don't even bother questioning his disappearances anymore. His lies are just too much to hear. He suggests that we drive separately to the same places. I realize he can't talk with other women while I am in the car with him, DUHHH! We don't need to drive 2 cars to his father's house or to the grocery store. I AM NOT STUPID! I guess he thinks I am because I have just given up on him and our marriage. I am not dumb, I just don't want to be his sounding board for lies. My only dilemma is catching him in the act and getting it recorded. The visit to the attorney won't end the same way next time.

I am pregnant. This pregnancy has been very hard. I am so sick. It is like my whole body is rejecting me. Handling my husband is impossible right now. I can't take his snide remarks and non-supportive attitude. The only good thing to come from my marriage is my daughter. I would have never known how wonderful life could be if I didn't have her. She is amazing. She keeps me going everyday. Having another baby is mostly for her to have a sibling. Having another baby gives me someone else to fall in love with. I pray I can just make it through this pregnancy with my sanity. Ben has made everyday difficult and miserable. Hanging my head over the toilet is better that dealing with the idiot I am married to. He doesn't help me when I am throwing up. He can't even bring me a cold wash cloth. He doesn't offer any encouragement. (My wonderful little girl does come to the bathroom door and ask if I am okay each time I am sick.) He was angry because I was hospitalized on the day he had tickets to a Disney show for our daughter. As horrible as I felt hooked up to 4 IV meds to stop the constant vomiting, I felt worse after Ben complained that he would have to go to the Disney show alone with our daughter. The guilt just choked me. I cried as I stayed in the hospital alone because I was a horrible mother for being sick. Again the lack of comfort he has to offer makes my heart grow cold to him. Last night he commented that being sick was my hobby. That helped me feel more guilty so I peeled my body off the couch to heat up chicken nuggets for my daughter. I took care of her dinner because it of his anger. (I have started having contractions at 20 weeks of pregnancy, so I need to stay off my feet as much as possible. This information doesn't phase the father of the child. He is just angry that he has to do more household chores. BUT HE DOESN'T DO MORE because he makes me feel so low that I just get up and do them despite the pre-mature contractions.) Ben declares to everyone that the only reason I am sick is due to dehydration. He tells me this multiple times a day and constantly rides me on drinking. That is the only thing that he focuses on.

There is nothing left for me in my marriage. Please Lord help me find my way. Help me cope with this man that lives in my house and makes me feel horrible about myself. Please give me the strength to remain calm despite his disposition.

Marriage is no joke!

11/12/06: I got married.

6/1/11: I ask myself why.

Marriage is so difficult. What was I thinking? I just need to vent. I don't really have any followers here, so it would be okay to let it out in this format. AHHH, what did I expect to get when I got married? People say marriage is hard, but they are wrong. It is down right impossible. I am trying so hard to love my husband, but it takes a lot of my energy just to find a reason not to hate him most days. He is a child. He is a mess! How did I miss that he spends more time in front of the TV than doing anything productive? I am really hating married life these days. I sure hope that I can delete this when I am not so angry at my current life situation!

All we need

When Daddy moved to the Cayman's I had a VERY DIFFICULT time adjusting. I had never been that far away from him for that long (well I did go to Belgium for about 3 months, but I was too young and dumb to know to be scared back then). When I came home from dropping him off at the airport my best friend was gone and all I could do was wander around a big empty house looking for him. There I was a grown kid without my other grown kid best pal to play with. While he was always the parent, we always had this bond that was more than that. Daddy and I were just this force that had it's own life. We were Daddy and Babedoll. When times got hard for us, Daddy always told me that all we needed was one another. I honestly believed that there was nothing I couldn't do with Daddy there. I guess he thought the same thing, but I believed it to my core! I look back now at the decisions I made and the things I achieved and I see that Daddy was always the driving force for me. I went to college and Daddy was there. I got a job and Daddy was there. I became a Guardian ad Litem and he was there (this one he did question). I quit my job to go to graduate school, Daddy told me to "go for it". I bought my first car, used, but new to me and Daddy told me that it was okay. I can still remember talking to him about that. I was so scared I had made a bad decision, but he said it was okay. And it was okay.
I feared nothing and no one. I had such a freedom in my heart because I knew that all Daddy and I needed were one another. There is this ultimate freedom that comes from having that type of confidence. Daddy was a genius to have taught me that! Who teaches their child that most amazing lesson with such grace? When I look back at myself then, it was if I was sailing. I had always been sailing with Daddy as my wind. I had no big worries and no real stress. I don't remember ever really being scared until the day I got a phone call from the hospital in the Cayman's. That day started a new chapter of my life...
I don't know who will read this, but I hope some people that knew us both will and leave me a comment. I wonder if our "power" lit up around us the way it did between us. Some people won't believe this, but it is a true story. One summer I was going up to Maryland to spend my vacation with my aunt and uncle. I woke up the Sunday morning when my Mama was going back to SC. I can't describe the feeling and I have no idea where it came from, but I HAD TO GET BACK HOME! There was this pull to come home and see Daddy. I had never felt that way before. I can't really describe the feeling. It was just this urgency to see Daddy. When I walked in the door of the our house I knew what it was. Daddy and his girlfriend had called it off while I had been in MD. He was in such a state... He had built a new house to make room for her and her children. He had brought her back to his home (the property where we lived) and let her into our lives. I don't know what happened between them and Daddy never told me. He didn't say much of anything about her or the situation. He was just not himself. We spent a long time getting over that. One day he found the vacuum cleaner that had been ours and brought it back home (his girlfriend had taken it with most everything else in our house). I think in a way, that silly vacuum cleaner was a symbol of him taking his life back! LOL I will never forget the silly grin on his face as he triumphantly marched back into the house with that upright vacuum cleaner! I don't even know why I thought of that...
I don't know how to end this memory. I never want this one to end. It has been almost five years and I still get "our" feeling sometimes. It will NEVER be the same for me. I don't go out into the world everyday like I used to. I am not as bold as I once was. I don't laugh like I used to. I have changed. I wish I could find the power that Daddy and I generated again, but I don't think it is possible. He would probably be sad to know that I struggle so much without him. I know he was teaching me with everything he did to be a strong and loving person. He wanted me to always be a good friend to people. He wanted me to be happy and make everyone around me happy. He wanted me to take care of those that were in need and always put God first. He set that example in everything he did. I know that am strong enough to do it, but just not as strong as I was with him to lean on! AHH, this one has been hard to write. MAN, I miss my Daddy!

Birthdays

My husband had a birthday yesterday. I love other people's birthdays! NOT MINE! That is how I got to thinking about this story. It makes me laugh so hard because Daddy always tried to make things special for me. He did, just not always on the right day.

Being an only child, one would think that her parents would always remember her birthday CORRECTLY. Well that isn't always the case. Daddy was able to prove my theory wrong 3 years in a row! My birthday is December 29th. The first year he got it wrong Daddy came in from a LONG, COLD day of work with a cake and a card. That was amazing. I loved it! I didn't open the card or touch the cake. After a while Daddy began to want a piece of the cake. I didn't get his facial expression at first and finally he just asked me when I would be cutting the cake and opening the card. When I said "tomorrow, on my birthday." I thought he was going to cry. He laughed (as always) and said he thought my birthday was Dec 28th. We had a good time with that one as we ate cake a day prior to my birthday.
The next year I was sure he would get it right. Well, he did adjust his gift giving a day. He just adjusted it in the wrong direction. On December 27th I got a gift, card and cake. NO LIE! I thought it was a joke at first, but then the look came over Daddy's face as the year before. He just started laughing. He knew that he had been a day off the prior year, so he made a change on the calendar - the opposite way. AHH, now we were celebrating my birthday on December 27th.
Surely the third time would be the charm. WRONG! This is not an story! Daddy made a big deal the next December 28th about my birthday. That time I wasn't all that amused because the joke was growing old. The day was again lost on my father. He thought he got it right on the 28th! I just fell over laughing at him because he meant no harm and honestly thought he was on time this year. The one thing we decided was that he was the first to wish me a birthday every year.
Only my Daddy could do something so innocently! He really thought he was right every year. What touches my heart is that he remembered CLOSE ENOUGH each year. The cards he gave always said the perfect thing. He always gave the perfect gift and always told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him! No matter what day you hear that, it is perfect.
This year will be 5 birthdays without him. I still open the old cards he gave me on my birthday. I love to see his handwriting. Heck I still have the 2005 calendar he gave me in 2004 about loving a daughter. Had I known that would have been my last year with him, I would have never left his side!